Today I had a wobble, I was talking to my husband, being irritable and picking up on everything he said or did. He knew something was up with me, he understands when I get this way and just took me in his arms and held me whilst the tears came. It helped ~ he is going through it too, it just manifests itself differently for him. We work together, support each other but most importantly, we understand each other and the whys for it all. Of course it doesn't change how I feel inside, it doesn't take away the darkness that weighs me down and occasionally breaks through. I know that I have issues and that one day I will have to unlock and face them, but for now I see my therapist, to just discuss the peripheral issues that I have to deal with day to day. She provides me with a safe haven to talk, vent and discuss my emotions, she is there for me for as long as I need her to be and that helps too.
Our situation is one that is difficult to fix ~ I have grief issues that are unresolved, which I know will need facing in time. I have been offered group therapy sessions as a place to do this when I feel ready. I also have depression arising from a feeling of hopelessness about our situation and anxiety for the future. There are days when I feel I am preparing for some impeding doom that will swallow me up and obliterate me. Yet other days, weeks even, I can walk about in a much happier frame of mind.
I now take medication for the depression, something I fought against and refused for a long time but which has helped with regulating my mood. One enormous bonus for me is the sedative side effect of the medication (one of the reasons my particular tablet was chosen) which means I no longer suffer from insomnia. Being able to sleep and get some rest has increased my ability to cope with caring for my girls both physically and emotionally. They feel more secure too because I'm not emotionally yo-yoing around them either.
Together as a unit we are having family therapy too ~ the format for it has been tweaked to suit the girls needs. It is proving to be beneficial, a place where we can talk about the issues that are affecting us with the aid of a mediator. This is not to say we are a distant family unit ~ far from it. If anything we have been told we are all too polite to each other and hide our real feelings so not to cause upset. 4 out of 5 of us are on anti-depressants, which makes me feel sad ~ could I have taken steps to avoid us arriving at this place? I don't think I could have, I think life has just been particularly hard on us over the past 6 years which has brought us to the place we are in right now.
The future isn't bleak, I know we will all tame our demons in time, given the right tools and support to do so. For now though, acceptance is half the battle, acknowledging the beast and knowing how it likes to manipulate is a step towards controlling how you react and respond to it's jibes.
Chronic illness, depression, anxiety ~ three foes to face and overcome. We will, I am sure, accept and tame them ~ but for now we will also have to acknowledge that there will be wobbles and dips along the way. I used to be ashamed of having depression and taking medication ~ I'm not any more. I recognise that it is a reaction to life experiences that is only normal and human to succumb to, I will try to stop feeling guilty for what I cannot control and I know for myself and the family we are strong enough to rise up.
I love this "every seed destroys its container or else there would be no fruition"
I no longer view depression as a sign of weakness. I am no longer ashamed to say I am depressed and take medication. I urge anyone who feels they may be suffering from depression to go and speak to their GP, or ring MIND to get advice/referrals for treatment. Please don't feel you have to suffer alone and in silence. There is help and support available to you if you just take that step to seek it.x~X~x